Two-time Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee Lauren Pattison is returning with a fresh new show on 26 March, so we caught up with her about everything from her toughest gig to the strangest merch she's been offered while waiting for a bus.
What’s your most memorable heckle?
Last year on a weekend gig, there were some disruptive audience members who had spoken through every act. I was on last, and in a very out-of-character move for me, I called them out, and the room erupted. I emerged THE WINNER. I felt power, I felt strength, I felt ADRENALINE. The following night, I was up first, and there was a table of very chatty young lads who had already been mildly warned by the compere. Have no fear, Lauren is here. I challenged them; the room did not erupt; the hatred from the whole crowd towards me was palpable, and I emerged the loser. I felt sad, I felt shame, I felt regret.
Where do you go for your pre/post-Leicester Square Theatre gig food?
You’ve got a Greggs in Leicester Square now, haven’t you! That wasn’t there when I lived in London. I tend to avoid eating before a gig, but a post-gig pasty does sound glorious.
What’s one word to describe the state of the UK?
Uh-oh.
Who’s the best upcoming performer in the country that we haven’t heard of?
He’s not a new act and has been crushing it on the circuit for years, but one act who I think deserves to be a household name is Rosco Mcclelland. He’s a superb comedian; in terms of joke writing, stage presence, storytelling, and silliness, he’s got it all nailed down. He’s one of those acts that if I’m on a lineup, I genuinely look forward to watching him, and if he is MCing, then you just know the gig is going to be a good one because he’ll steer the ship so well. I saw his show at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, and it was nothing short of spectacular; it was the one show I demanded everybody I knew make time to go see. He’s got funny bones and is also generally just a really lovely person.
Who would you describe as your arch-nemesis?
Whichever one of my neighbours keeps putting the following non-recyclable items in the shared recycling bin, thus risking contaminating the bin and meaning it doesn’t get collected—plastic bags, loaves of bread, a biscuit tin in the shape of a bourbon (I actually took this out and claimed it as my own), an entire pot of hummus, and a rice cooker.
When was the time you bombed the most onstage?
In my early days, when I was just breaking into doing paid spots on pro weekends, I gigged at a comedy club that has now thankfully shut down and died a death so spectacular the ghost of it occasionally haunts me to this day. The MC and opening act were both phenomenal comedians, and they got nothing, so I knew as the least experienced act on the bill I was doomed. I must have been booked for 15 minutes, and I remember thinking, just get to 12 and duck out a bit early. I checked my watch at what I thought was at least 10 minutes to discover I’d been on for 4. Time had literally slowed down; I was just being stared at. I tried to save it at the end and get a pity laugh by joking, ‘Well, at least when you lot have a bad day at work, 100 disapproving strangers don’t witness it.’ They didn’t laugh. I tried to leave without being paid and then bought a pack of assorted deli meat to eat while trying not to cry in the Travelodge.
What’s been your strangest fan encounter?
I know it came from a good place, but this one sticks out for me as really catching me off guard and making me laugh. After my London run of my debut show, someone came up to me and offered me their card. I thought, ‘Here we go, Hollywood is calling, baby!’ It was not. She was a therapist and had handed me her card. I can think of plenty of tough gigs I’ve done where I would have loved a therapist’s debrief after, but this one had gone really well… I also thought my mental health was pretty good at that time too. Clearly, I was giving off some vibes that I could do with a chat! I’ve been dead lucky to have some lovely encounters too—in Perth, Australia, I went and met an audience member for brunch, and in Sydney, I went for a walk from Bondi to Coogee with someone who’d been in my show the day before. I really loved that. I was so far from home, and it’s nice that comedy can bring you together with people you never would have met. We still follow each other on social media to this day!
Where’s your favourite place to tour?
In the words of Dorothy Gale, ‘There’s no place like home!’ I really do love gigging at home; there’s something very special about Newcastle and the people there, and I feel a real sense of pride bringing my show to a home crowd. I am hoping one of my new favourite places to come on tour will be Leicester Square Theatre in London, though (was that subtle enough?).
How do you like to relax after a gig?
I like to lie next to my dog’s bed and gaze into his eyes, sending him telepathic messages to say that he’s my greatest source of comfort and I love him dearly, while he stares back wondering when I’m going to give him a treat. If I’m away from home, I love having some food and watching whatever weird stuff is on late-night TV. I went through a real phase of watching Naked Attraction while wishing I’d bought something other than a Pepperami for my post-gig treat.
What’s the one thing you want the audience to take away from your show?
Please don’t take anything from the venues because that is stealing and FROWNED UPON. No, but really, I think the main thing I’d like people to take away is to not be so hard on yourself! Sometimes getting through the day can be enough of a challenge for some people, and we need to be just as proud of the little victories in life as the big ones.
Would you rather have fingers as long as your legs or legs as long as your fingers?
I think I would rather have the tiny finger legs. Can you imagine trying to hold a pen with leg fingers? Also, I’ve really gotten into having my nails done and putting the world to right with my nail girl, but can you imagine how far away she’d have to sit from me to do my nails if I had leg fingers? I would miss out on so much gossip/free therapy/plans to take over the world, and I simply couldn’t cope with that.
Who would win in a fight: Badger or Baboon?
If we’re talking about a normal Wind in the Willows English badger, I’m putting my money on the baboon. Have you seen their teeth?! I feel like a baboon has speed on its side and better eyesight.
What’s the oddest thing you’ve overheard in London?
Not overheard but directly witnessed—somebody trying to sell me some packets of ham from inside their coat pocket while I was waiting for the bus. I admired his charismatic sales pitch and commitment to offering low, low prices.
Lauren Pattison: Big Girl Pants comes to Leicester Square Theatre on 26 March 2025; tickets on sale now. Photo by Matt Crockett.