From the archive: Sh!t-faced Showtime®’s Leicester Square Questionnaire

What’s your most memorable heckle?
During a Pissedmas Carol show the designated drunk actress for the night was given an alcoholic beverage onstage to which one gentleman of the audience delightfully cried “down it, bitch!” The compere of the show calmly assured the aforementioned legend that “it may indeed be Dickensian London on our side of the stage, but on your side I’m pretty sure it’s still 2019 and we don’t bark at ‘bitches’ to down their drinks.” The compere then oversaw an audience applause commemorating the matriarchy before moving swiftly on with the show, after seeking the gentleman’s approval, of course. He apologised in the bar afterwards. Turns out he was a copper. More excellent PR for London MET.

Where do you go for your pre/post Leicester Square Theatre gig food?
On the rare occasion they run out of my favourite Chateaubriand at the Leicester Square Theatre, Chinatown is round the corner and usually a safe bet. The theatre’s ample supplies of Minstrels and Pringles provide one’s sustenance post show, unless they’ve taken the tills – then its a hop skip and a jump to the finest fast food outlets for shame and gout. Hello, old friends.

What’s one word to describe the state of the UK?
Does the smiling Turd emoji count as a word?

Snog, Marry, Avoid – Priti Patel, Piers Morgan, Andrew Neil…
Snog: Priti Patel (if my lips were laced with arsenic). Marry: Piers Morgan (if our betrothal day could parallel the events of GOT’s Red wedding). Avoid: Andrew Neil (I don’t allow politics into the bedroom).

Who’s the best upcoming performer in the country that we haven’t heard of?
Flat and the Curves! Google and book to see them right now!

Has lockdown influenced your material? If not, why?
As much as we were tempted to write a musical comedy about baking banana bread and Joe Exotic’s prison sentence we just thought the world has had enough now. Unless we could somehow incorporate a sub plot into A Pissedmas Carol whereby Scrooge has hoarded all of the remaining toilet paper in London so no one can take a sh*t at Christmas… I think Dickens would approve?

Who would you describe as your arch-nemesis?
Anyone with a modicum of credibility and dignity.

What’s been your strangest fan encounter?
We met a fan in the bar downstairs after a performance of Shitfaced Showtime’s production of Oliver with a Twist and digged his vibe so much we cast him in Alice through the cocktail Glass! Daniel Quirke can be seen giving his Jacob Marley / Ghost of Christmas present / Mrs Fezziwig in this year’s Pissedmas Carol – who needs Spotlight when one can just recruit actors in a bar, eh? Probably less expensive than a year’s subscription!

Where’s your favourite place to tour?
Basingstoke.

How do you like to relax after a gig?
I drink five cans of Monster and watch the Russian roulette scene from the Deer Hunter on repeat.

What’s the one thing you want the audience to take away from your show?
A sense of wide eyed wonderment that a drunken Scrooge rhymed ‘rickets’ with ‘big Dickets’ when describing Tiny Tim’s not-so-tiny endowment.

Would you rather have fingers as long as your legs or legs as long as your fingers?
Legs as long as my fingers. So I could scuttle around the streets of London and get my new finger legs nice and SWOLE for conkers season.

Who would win in a fight: Badger or Baboon?
If we’re talking Bodger versus Rafiki I think Bodger would edge it by blinding the baboon with mash potato ejaculate.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve overheard in London?
We don’t all need to hear about your hernia, Bridget!

Sh!t-faced Showtime®: A Pissedmas Carol plays Leicester Square Theatre 28 November 2023 – 6 January 2024.